Are you in control of your emotions or are they controlling you?

Someone asked me recently how you know if you are in control of your emotions or if they are controlling you. It's a good question. It can be confusing for many of us because we can feel fairly stable in life only to realize we've been stuffing our emotions or dishonest about how we really feel.

Let's walk through emotions so we can get a clearer picture of what's going on. Hopefully, that will provide you with the answer you're looking for if the opening question resonates with you.

Thoughts, Emotions, and the Body

This may seem basic to you, but it's an important foundation for getting to the question of what's happening with your emotions. We have to first understand a little bit about how things work. I promise to keep it simple!

What makes us human beings is having conscious thoughts, emotions, and the ability to take action. Sometimes when we think, we have purely intellectual thoughts that are just like information in our brain. Other times, we have thoughts that are closely linked to emotions. A thought about how someone wronged you may bring with it emotions of anger.

Our bodies are hardwired to tell us when we're feeling emotions, and if we listen carefully our bodies tell us which emotions. See this other post for more information on the subject. Put simply, emotions manifest themselves in the body so that we feel them tangibly. Different emotions feel different in our bodies.

What is your body telling you?

Now that you understand how things work, let's put that into practice. Some people know exactly how they feel just by thinking about it. Others have a harder time, and only get blank stares from themselves about it. This simply means that people process differently; one is not better or worse than the other.

If you struggle to know how you feel, you may find this helpful. Since emotions manifest themselves in your body, you can find out what you're feeling by listening to your body. It may take some training and patience, but you can do it.

Practice taking a mental scan of your body, starting with your feet and slowly moving up, pausing to notice any sensation in every part of your body until you reach your head. Notice if you have a pit in your stomach, tightness in your shoulders, or lump in your throat. Each of these things represents an emotion you might be feeling: fear or regret, anxiety, and sadness.

Where did that come from?

To me, this is the fun part. Once you have an idea of what you're feeling, you can start deducing what thoughts you have about that and why.

The first part is simple. If you're feeling fear or regret, ask yourself why and then pay attention (using mindfulness) to the thoughts that arise. When you're feeling anxious, notice all the anxious thoughts you're having. If you're sad, think about what has happened that has made you sad and just gather that information.

It's important in this step to simply notice what comes up. You don't need to do anything about it yet, just notice. Collect the information so you get a complete picture of what's going on inside of you and why.

Control or be controlled

This is where many people get stuck. When emotions arise, it's easy to feel swallowed by them or afraid you won't be able to stop feeling once you start. There's research on emotions that shows they only last for up to 90 seconds. After that, what you're feeling is the story you've told yourself about the feelings and experiences you've had in your life. This is what controls you and where you can take back control.

Once the 90 seconds of an emotion has passed, pay attention to those thoughts you were collecting earlier. Collect more. It's likely you'll find well-worn patterns of thinking and old beliefs that perpetuate the negative emotion.

If you know the thoughts you're having are untrue, you can use CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) techniques to challenge them and replace them with more up-to-date information. You may need to use body relaxation or grounding techniques to calm your body down. Once your body feels less keyed up and your mind is present again (instead of stuck in the past or fixated on the future), you can make changes:

• Change what you're thinking by thinking new thoughts or simply avoid thinking the old thoughts for a time
• Adjust what you're feeling by putting on music, eating something, taking a drink of water, lighting a candle, getting some fresh air outside
• Change how your body feels by getting it to move - go for a walk or a run, workout, or stay busy cleaning or organizing something

It may take longer at first to feel better, but the more you practice this the quicker and easier it will be for you to wade through the wave of emotion. The benefit, however, is that through this process you can learn to manage your emotions rather than letting them control you. If you need help working on this, book an appointment to start counseling for anxiety in Tigard, OR.

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Start Counseling for Anxiety in Tigard, OR Today

If you're curious to learn more about how your emotions can be more regulated for your mental health, let's talk. Our team of skilled therapists is ready to help you find the best ways to move through these feelings, in spite of your anxiety. Contact us today to talk about how we can help you start feeling more grounded and to schedule an appointment with one of our counselors. We offer both face-to-face (in-person) counseling sessions and online video counseling to residents in the state of Oregon.

More Therapy Services at Discover Counseling in Tigard, OR

Not only can we help with your anxiety and depression, but we can also help navigate difficult life transitions. Especially, the grief and loss we are all feeling right now! This is an especially difficult time for engaged couples and couples on the brink of separation or divorce. Also, for pregnant, postpartum, and parenting couples. Basically, everyone is facing some type of stressor right now. Please let our therapists help you navigate this difficult time.