Guest Blog by Katie Bailey, LPC
All relationships can be a little rocky sometimes. The people we live with annoy us, our coworkers can say something that hurts us, adult children make choices we don’t like, younger children just will not listen, and we disagree with our spouse about, well, just about anything. Some conflict is normal, and can actually make your relationship stronger when it is navigated well. Some, however, actually include emotional abuse.
Toxic relationships are very different from normal types of conflict.
Emotional abuse, like all types of abuse, is all about power and control. However, with emotional abuse, there are no bruises to see. Healing from emotional abuse can be even more challenging because of the lack of physical proof. Despite this, healing is absolutely possible.
Steps to Healing from Emotional Abuse
Acknowledge the problem.
Healing cannot begin until you admit there’s a problem. This is extremely difficult for most people. No one wants to say they allowed themselves to be treated badly, or that their loved one is an abuser. However, ignoring reality doesn’t make it better. If you cut your arm and pretend it isn’t there, the wound gets infected. It doesn’t heal; it gets WORSE. Don’t ignore your emotional wounds and allow the infection to grow – see it for what it is and start to clean it out and find true healing.
Create space from emotional abuse.
You also need to have actual space from your abuser. Of course, you can’t begin to sort out the emotional damage while it’s still happening. You might need to make significant life changes to make this happen, such as separating from your spouse. These changes are necessary for everyone involved. You also need emotional space. You need to learn how to set healthy boundaries for yourself, being responsible for your own emotions and no one else’s.
Feel your emotions.
People who have experienced emotional abuse are really good at stuffing their emotions away. In fact, they have had to, in order to survive most of the time. When you start the healing path after a toxic relationship, you need to let yourself feel, even when it’s scary. Most people need the support of a professional therapist who specializes in emotional abuse to sort through their thoughts and reactions. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a qualified professional.
Seek out emotionally healthy friendships.
When we have a relational trauma like emotional abuse, we need positive relationships to heal us. This is sticky for most people because relationships are what hurt in the first place, so it’s hard to trust people won’t hurt again. We were made to be connected to one another. Isolating yourself only will make you feel worse. Learn to identify emotionally healthy people and slowly learn to get to know them, and let them know you.
Be gracious to yourself.
One of the main wounds of toxic relationships is the lies that get stuck in our heads. Depending on how long your abuser was in your life, those lies are rooted deep in your mind. It will take time to renew your mind and pull those lies out. Be patient with yourself.
Emotional abusers aim to control the other person in the relationship, mainly through lies and manipulation. Admitting you are being manipulated is the first step to freedom. Take that first step, you are absolutely worth it. You can find healing; life really can be different.
Katie Bailey, MA, LPC owns Lime Tree Counseling, LLC in Ambler, PA. She specializes in emotional and narcissistic abuse recovery and provides therapy services for PTSD & Trauma Counseling and Anxiety Therapy. Katie offers online counseling throughout the state of Pennsylvania.
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