Do you like hearing the word ‘No’?
Many of us feel threatened by the word and all that it implies. We feel like something must be terribly wrong with us if someone tells us no, whether it's a request we had or an invite we gave. As an online therapist at Discover Counseling, I am here to offer tips and suggestions for setting boundaries in a healthy and meaningful way.
No Is a Positive Word!
What if I told you that ‘No’ is actually a really positive word? What if we looked at it a bit differently? Maybe even learned to embrace it and use it with love and kindness?
Telling someone ‘No’ is setting a boundary. Many of us never learned how to set boundaries because it was never modeled to us by the adults in our lives. And not only was it not modeled, but it might also have been actively seen as a taboo! We were likely given a very different model, one in which we were actively encouraged to never say no, but instead say things like ‘maybe’, ‘I’ll think about it', or ‘Sure’ without really wanting to commit or agree to whatever it was being asked of us. Generally, we were told to just go with the flow and not cause a fuss.
Often, we think of ‘no’ as a bad word. It causes hurt feelings and means that we aren’t putting others first. We might even feel selfish using it. But why? Where did this come from and what can we do about it?
Self-Care is NOT Selfish
American culture, in some areas of the country more than others, values the idea of doing all you can for others. We are taught from a young age to be polite, kind, and sacrifice. We are taught to always think of others and not do or say anything mean or rude.
This also plays into peer pressure. We are taught to NOT speak up, to NOT be a squeaky wheel, to NOT rock the boat. But in doing that, we are losing the ability and practice to take care of ourselves.
It can take us a long time to learn and understand that self-care is NOT selfish. Making sure we get our needs met is not only NOT rude or bad, but it is also essential to our overall well-being. Much of that comes down to setting boundaries for ourselves with the people around us.
So, what is a boundary and how do we learn how to set them in a way that feels ok?
Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves.
Asserting them is actually a kind thing to do because it clearly communicates with the people in your life what you need and want. Don’t you want to know how your people honestly feel about what they need and want? Once you are aware, you can accommodate those things in a way that feels right for you.
Time for an example!
Pretend you have recently realized that in order to stay focused and present with your kids (or really any other relationship as well!), you need some quiet time during the day. Once YOU have some space and time to recharge, you are able to juggle all THEIR needs much easier. You are able to be present because your mind doesn’t feel overwhelmed and is constantly in flight or fight mode.
But, you realized this after you’ve already been a parent for a while so you decide to create a boundary with your kids who are not used to boundaries being set. You tell them that after lunch, they can play, watch something, or go outside and that you will be taking some downtime in your room. You can set a timer or whatever works best for your kids.
At first, they may revolt. They aren’t used to a boundary being set, and you may hear a lot of whining or crying, or objections. That’s OK! It can take time for the people in our lives to get used to our boundaries. Their objections are not a sign that you shouldn’t create the boundary, they are simply a reaction to change. And change can be good. Keep practicing the boundary until it feels normal for everyone.
How is setting this boundary kind and good for everyone? Especially when they are so upset about it at first?
The answer is in the result. Setting a boundary to have time and space to recalibrate means that you are a BETTER parent for them, and you have taken care of yourself - something that you likely also want them to learn how to do for themselves! You are setting yourself up for success and also providing them with a model on how to practice it as they grow. You are giving them the key to one aspect of a happy life!
Do you feel better about setting boundaries now? We aren’t saying ‘No’ to the people and things we love around us, we are saying ‘Yes’ to ourselves and our needs.
If you need a little extra help talking through the boundaries you need in your life and finding ways to practice them that feel safe to you, a therapist is an excellent person to guide you through the process! Reach out to us today for extra support.
Start Getting What You Want In Life With Online Therapy in Oregon
At Discover Counseling in Tigard, OR we provide online therapy so that you can start moving forward in a way that is convenient for you. In order to take the first step in creating the life that you want follow these steps:
- Contact us to speak with a mental health professional at Discover Counseling
- Schedule your first counseling appointment
- Get support as you stop running away and start moving forward.
Other Counseling Services That We Offer in Tigard, OR
Our caring counselors and therapists offer different types of therapy services to support your needs. Such as therapy for anxiety, trauma recovery, life transitions, and postpartum support. As well as teen therapy, Christian counseling, and codependency treatment. We also offer support for your relationship with premarital, couples, and marriage counseling. Plus individual therapy for relationship problems.
Ready to take the next step?
We'd love to hear from you. Our therapists serve Tigard and the greater Portland area — in person and online across Oregon.
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