Discover Love: Couples Therapy and Relationship Counseling Tips

This is the fourth and final post in a multi-part "Discover" series, intended to give you practical tools for your journey toward health and wholeness. In this post, you will discover how to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for couples therapy. Specifically, you'll discover things you can do to set yourself up for success and to be able to face the hard work involved in relationship counseling.

The couples counseling dilemma

Couples counseling can be challenging. You want to know what your patterns are as a couple. Also, you want to understand why your relationship isn't as strong as you'd like it to be. You want new tools for communicating and relating in order to deepen your connection.

At the same time, you want your couples counselor to like you. You worry your counselor will think the two of you are crazy - or worse, that just you are! You're afraid of being yourself because of how vulnerable and exposed that would feel in front of someone else.

But, a couples therapist isn't just anyone else

This may be part of the reason you're stuck, and why these tips for relationship counseling may help you get unstuck.

Before you set foot in the office, let's put something out there to make it less painful for you. You may not be being fully honest with yourself or your partner about the nature of your relationship. If any of the above resonates with you, it's likely that it's not just the therapist you're worried about seeing who you really are. You're probably afraid of seeing yourself and your relationship as it really is. When your therapist sees it before you, this can be terrifying.

Let's be honest

So let's start right now by thinking about what's really been going on in your relationship and in your communication.

• Write it down.
• Use specifics like "We often tell each other 'you're an idiot!' in heated conversations".
• Quantify it instead of leaving it vague, such as "this happened every day this week" instead of "often."
• Detail how long this has been going on. When did it first start? Did it increase in frequency or intensity? What's the worst it has been?
• Make a note of everything you've tried that hasn't worked so you can see all
• If possible, have an honest conversation with your partner about all of this so you can go into the first session on the same page. Even if you have different reasons or perspectives, at least you can agree on what has been happening in your relationship.

Laying this all out in front of you so you can be honest about it will help make the exposure with your new couples counselor less painful. Don't get me wrong, it will still be difficult. But it will also feel good to have a third-party affirm these things you worked hard to admit to yourself are true.

You are on the right track.

Once you get started and are in the rhythm with your relationship counselor, there are a few more things you'll want to keep in mind and practice.

First, focus on yourself, not your partner.

This is a hard one if you can believe it. So many couples come into counseling blaming each other and get tangled into one another, making it difficult to get anywhere. Starting out by looking only at yourself and letting your partner focus on himself or herself will save you a lot of time and heartache.

Taking responsibility for yourself, however, doesn't mean you can't mention how the other person impacts you or makes you feel. It simply means that you don't focus on what they're doing, not doing, or should be doing. You can provide some of that information as context for why you feel the way you feel. The majority of your thoughts and words should be about yourself: how you responded, what you felt, why you said or did what you did.

When you are focused on yourself, your counselor will better understand you and your needs. This will enable him or her to help you express them more effectively and help your partner hear and respond to them.

Next, find what you really want, need, and mean.

In communication, there are the words we use and the meaning beneath them. Often, couples use a lot of words but aren't good at saying what they really mean. Other times, one partner may be saying what they mean but the other person isn't understanding that meaning and interpreting it differently.

The result is the same in both of these scenarios: conflict.

Conflict isn't inherently bad. It simply means the two of you don't understand each other at the moment. Conflict can be an opportunity for greater understanding, appreciation, and connection if you face it well.

However, if you struggle in your communication to express or understand one another, the conflict will only lead to an argument and negative feelings. While you're with your counselor, work on trying to see and express more clearly what it is you want and need.

• Do you want to be understood?
• Do you want to feel more connected?
• Are you upset at something your partner did?
• Do you feel alone and need companionship?
• Do you need help?
• Are you hurt and afraid your partner doesn't care?

If you can learn to know yourself better by identifying and verbalizing these things better, your couples counseling will have a much better chance of succeeding.

Finally, be ready to let go of your default habits.

Most people know they'll have to do something different in order to get different results. When you get to the root of the issue in couples counseling, you'll probably have to learn how to be different - not just do different behaviors.

This doesn't mean you have to become a different person, leaving yourself as you've known it behind. It does mean that you might need to let go of assumptions you make about your partner and why they do things. You might need to ask for what you want instead of wait for him or her to realize it on their own. You might even need to learn to see yourself the way your partner does, which is different from how you see yourself.

The hardest work in therapy is changing deeply ingrained habits and patterns. If you've lived a lot of life or had years of experience in a relationship, you've got some habits you might not be aware of. These are likely a major cause in your relationship, clashing with your partner, and creating conflict.

That's not to say it's entirely your fault. The two of you have created this dance together, even if unwittingly. It does mean the two of you are going to have to create a new dance together, this time more intentionally. It will be difficult with those old patterns you're used to, but it's very possible.

Bonus Tip: Couples Counseling is Helpful

If you've gotten this far, I hope you've gotten a more realistic idea of what couples counseling might involve. I also hope it's forced you to adjust some of your expectations. This your bonus tip!

So many people come into counseling with a set of expectations that quickly get shifted, leaving them frustrated and disappointed. We want to help you adjust your expectations ahead of time so you can maintain a sense of hope and motivation throughout the process. With all the hard work you'll be doing, you need to keep a positive attitude and see the benefit of your efforts to keep you going!

---

Start Couples Therapy in Tigard, OR Today

Our team of skilled therapists specializes in treatment for anxiety and depression. We understand how difficult it can be to keep going and stay positive despite the circumstances. Contact us today to talk about how we can help you start feeling more productive and confident, or to schedule an appointment with one of our counselors. We offer both face-to-face (in-person) counseling sessions and online video counseling to residents in the state of Oregon.

More Mental Health Services at Discover Counseling in Tigard, OR

We don't just help with couples therapy in our Tigard, OR counseling clinic. Not only can we help with your anxiety and depression, but we can also help navigate these difficult life transitions. Especially, the grief and loss we are all feeling right now! We know that this is an especially difficult time for engaged couples, couples on the brink of separation or divorce, pregnant, postpartum, and parenting. Basically, everyone is facing some type of stressor right now. Please let our therapists help you navigate this difficult time.

---