We’ve likely all heard about avoiding ‘red flags’ in relationships. “Oh, he has been married before? That’s a red flag” or “She hasn’t stayed at a job longer than a year, sounds like a red flag!”. Red is associated with stopping, ending, or taking a pause. In the context of a relationship, paying attention to the behaviors, actions, and words of a person to understand if you should stop engaging with them is what a red flag is meant to signify.

But what if instead of always looking for a red flag, we looked for green ones instead? And I’m not saying we ignore unhealthy or dangerous behaviors, as these signals can keep us safe. And this topic is definitely one for a therapist to help you sort through.

What I’m talking about is intentionally seeking out relationships with people who display green flags versus red flags. Surrounding ourselves with people who have the kind of positive and supportive behaviors that improve our lives. The kind of people who energize us to be our best selves.

What are some ‘Green Flags’ to look for you ask? 

Here are a couple from a list created by Sharon Peykar(@sitwithsharon on IG):

Honors Boundaries

When someone honors your boundaries, they show you by listening when you say no or stop. They aren’t pushy or deceitful but instead give you space when you have communicated a desire for space. This could look like honoring your need for alone time, your request to slow down (either physically or emotionally), or asking you first if it is ok to talk about a certain hard topic.

An image of two people standing apart separated by water symbolizing avoiding red flags with healthy boundaries. | Therapy in Tigard, OR, Relationship Therapy in Tigard, OR, Couples Counseling in Tigard, OR | 97223, 97224, 97281

Communicates Openly

Communication is key. In all ways, in all places, in all relationships. If you don’t feel seen or heard, if you don’t feel like you know what to say or how to say it, or if you avoid conversation to keep the peace, your relationship suffers. Look for people who know how to be open and honest, even when it’s tough, and can let go of defensiveness and ego. Good communicators are open and can be vulnerable, which leads us to the next one!

Vulnerability

Letting people in, letting your guard down, opening yourself up by showing your true self. It can be scary and even painful sometimes to practice vulnerability. It’s also the most important factor in developing real and authentic relationships. If someone can’t show up completely as themselves, they aren’t really showing up. And pro tip: vulnerability cultivates vulnerability. The best way to encourage it in others is to practice it ourselves!

Healthy Hobbies

Woman with a yoga mat representing healthy hobbies. | Therapy in Tigard, OR, Relationship Therapy in Tigard, OR, Couples Counseling in Tigard, OR | 97223

I love this one. What are healthy hobbies? Maybe we can first talk about unhealthy hobbies, which are things like partying, smoking, gambling, constant video gaming, or really just anything we do excessively that interferes with our ability to take care of ourselves or relate to others. Some examples of healthy hobbies might be physically healthy ones like running, walking, hiking, cooking, dancing, or playing. And others may be more emotionally or spiritually healthy like playing music, writing, drawing, being a part of a club or a team, meditation, reading, or comedy. The point is that whatever the activity, it ADDS to their life and encourages a healthy mind, body, or spirit. And it might also encourage those around them to find some of their own healthy hobbies!

Self-Responsibility

Have you ever known someone who refuses to ever claim responsibility or see their part in the things that happen in their own lives? Yeah, me too. Seeking out people who are able to see the part they played in a situation or event that happens to them is wellness. This is different from ‘taking the blame’ or being deferential all the time. It’s more about a worldview that enables someone to understand how their actions and choices can impact others and their own lives. And owning the parts that have caused harm is taking self-responsibility, which is the first step to making peace and amends.

An image of two women hugging displaying the avoidance of red flags through empathy. | Therapy in Tigard, OR, Relationship Therapy in Tigard, OR, Couples Counseling in Tigard, OR | 97223

Empathy

Furthermore, an excellent green flag is someone who practices empathy, both with others AND themselves. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. This means actually spending some time visualizing and searching your past experiences for those feelings so you can be present with someone in their pain. People who show true empathy enable you to feel seen and heard, which is literally the golden ticket in finding pure love and intimacy.

Practices Self-Care

Though self-care has become a bit of a buzzword, it is truly an important practice for a healthy and loving person. Self-care does NOT have to be any one thing. AND it can change from day to day! Some days we function better than others and we can alter our self-care practice accordingly. If we are having a really hard, sad, or low-energy day, we can do things like make our bed, take a quick walk, stretch, or drink some water to practice self-care. If we are having a happier and higher energy day, self-care may look like doing a fun workout, cooking a new meal, creating a piece of art, or organizing a long-lost mess! Look for people who understand that taking care of themselves is a priority.

Cultivate these green flag items in yourself and build relationships with others who do the same. It’s time to hear ‘green flag’ language when we talk about our relationships, don’t you think? “Wow, she is a really authentic and open person, what a green flag!”

Couples Therapy in Tigard, OR Is A Green Flag

Need some help to get ‘less busy’ and have more time for your loved ones? Working with one of our skilled therapists will help! If you are worried that you don't have time to make it to our Tigard, Or based office we have other options. We offer online therapy in Oregon so you can fit therapy easily into your schedule. Beginning therapy in Tigard, OR is easy. The first step is to contact us. From there you can make an appointment with a caring therapist. Working together you will get control of your time and feel the joy of having more time with loved ones.

Discover Counseling in Tigard, OR Has Even More to Offer

We offer many services including therapy for relationship problems, premarital therapy, therapy for anxiety, and codependency counseling. If you are facing changes in life begin therapy for life transition with one of our therapists. Discover Counseling also offers support for postpartum parents and parenting couples. Everyone, including kids and teenagers, are impacted by the busyness of life. Call us today to start therapy in Tigard, OR.