Self love. If it were easy, we would have started doing it yesterday, right?

And sometimes, we think we love ourselves, but haven’t actually sat with those words and ideas long enough to believe them or understand them.

So then, what does it mean to feel self-love?

Why Pushing Self-Love Doesn't (Always) Work

According to the Brain & Behavior Foundation’s article Self-Love and What It Means, “Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness.”

This is a great definition because it not only tells us what self-love is, it also tells us how to get it.

Plus, who doesn’t love a manual or guide (any fellow rule-followers in the house?), especially if it teaches us how to appreciate ourselves AND create a high regard for our own wellbeing and happiness.

Here’s the thing - It’s not always just a quick, magical transformation into self-love. Pushing it doesn’t work either. Most of us have had YEARS of social conditioning in which we were taught to believe that we had to earn love and that the only way we were lovable is if we fit into whatever prescription the adults around us thought was ‘good’. (Side note: it’s not entirely their fault either, as they were given the same or worse prescription from their adults)

Maybe that meant being ‘nice’ and ‘pleasant’ all the time. Maybe that meant not having or expressing hard emotions (sadness, anger, jealousy, disappointment). Maybe it meant achieving good grades or being an excellent athlete. Maybe it was about our bodies - being thin or pretty or having perfect teeth. The list goes on.

So, if we feel we have to be a certain way or do certain things to be loved by others, won’t that also be the case for loving ourselves? Yes. It will. 

Most of us have put those stipulations on ourselves for years, but there is a way out.

It’s bolded in the definition above. We can work towards self-love by taking “actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth”

Let’s break each one down.

Physical Growth: What are some things that support your physical growth?

Movement. Stretching. Sleep. Nutrition. 

Even though we don’t continue to grow like we did as children, there are still things we can do to maintain physical health and wellness. Figure out what feels good to your body and allows you to feel strong, energetic, and powerful. Do more of those things! Sometimes it takes just giving a class or session a try to see how it feels. You may find something new that really hits the spot!

Psychological Growth: How do we grow psychologically? 

Understanding and knowing ourselves. Getting familiar with what we like or don’t like and moving towards or away from those things. Reading. Journaling. Talking to trusted friends and family members. Working with a therapist. 

And then again, sleep. Nutrition. Movement. Our emotions and psychological state can often depend on how well we are taking care of our physical body.

Spiritual Growth: What does it mean to grow spiritually, especially if you're not a religious person?

Spirituality and religion do not have to exist together. You can have spiritual beliefs and not care for or practice religion. But, they can be tied together, as well!

Spirituality is an interest and regard for the unknowns and intangible parts of our world. It's the study of energy and the sixth sense of knowing there is a connection between living things. It's also the practice of love, kindness, compassion, and empathy for others. Feeling connected and practicing kindness will get you started!

There is no need to force yourself to love yourself. Just take one action at a time from the lists above, and you will be well on your journey to self-love.

You can also check out our blog about Embracing Your Body to hear more on this topic.