Pain is an inevitable part of life. Throughout life, whether in childhood or in late adulthood, we may experience difficulties such as traumas, deaths, divorces, fractured or broken relationships, natural disasters, and many other painful events. The emotions we experience from these can be intense and overwhelming, and we may not know what to do with them. Often times in order to survive, we do the best we can with what we have. The problem, however, is that facing pain and suffering can impair our ability to function in life. To actually deal with it means we may become impaired for a time. This realization, too, can be overwhelming and intimidating. As a result, we frequently opt for one of the following ways of coping:
  • Denial. "It really doesn't bother me. I thought I would be more affected than I am, but I'm really not."
  • Minimizing. "Yeah, it's pretty sad, but in the grand scheme of things it could have been worse."
  • Rationalizing or Justifying. "He was in pain all the time anyway, so it's a good thing now. I'm glad the waiting and uncertainty is over."
  • Avoiding. "Things are okay. But how are you? What's been going on with you?"
While these are only examples of things we might say to ourselves and others, they may look differently to different people and they are by no means the only ways people cope. But they are common. What ends up happening, though, is that by coping in these ways, we find ways to function in life at the expense of our emotional health. Rather than grappling with the magnitude of the suffering and wrestling with the diversity of emotions, we are quick to move on and get things back to "normal" (whatever that was). The product of this can be very destructive. The memories and feelings can seep into other areas of our lives without our permission and outside of our awareness such as through anger, nightmares, depression, isolation, difficulty focusing, headaches, health problems, and the development of many other destructive patterns (such as addictions) just cope with these issues. Furthermore, these ways of coping tend to destroy relationships. By not dealing with our feelings, we make it difficult (if not impossible) for others to support us, ask question, and help us through it. We also make it difficult for others who are suffering with us to feel safe sharing their feelings and experiences. The result is isolation, both emotionally and relationally, which can produce greater problems to the extent that relationships can be completely severed. The symptoms listed above are very real and legitimate, necessitating our attention. Though they are not the underlying cause and addressing them will not get to the root of the problem, it's still important to learn how to manage those symptoms; this is only a means to an end - not the end itself. Stay tuned for part 2 of this series where I will address ways of dealing with these symptoms...