Facebook Page

I’ve created a Facebook page for my business! Now you can find details about my practice, read encouraging and thought-provoking posts, and interact with me via Facebook. My goal with this page is to make myself more accessible to clients. You can ask me business-related questions, respond to articles and quotes I post, and share my page with your friends or family. Since this is a public forum, however, I discourage you from posting anything personal about yourself as it may expose you as a client. Of course, confidentiality is yours to keep or break, so if you don’t mind writing something publicly then feel free! I will maintain confidentiality by avoiding any reference to you as my client (if you are a current or former client), but will happily interact as appropriate.

Online Scheduling

Scheduling can be one of the most difficult parts of counseling. Coordinating calendars, communicating changes (cancellations and rescheduling), and even remembering appointments can be a challenge. I recently came across this wonderful tool to help with all of that! Full Slate is a HIPAA-compliant website that allows you to view my real-time openings, schedule appointments yourself, and even receive reminder emails or text messages before appointments. Since implementing this feature, I’ve already seen its value! Clients have had an easier time scheduling, potential mistakes have been avoided thanks to the system’s reminders, and its reduced the amount of time I spend coordinating appointments which frees me up to do what I do best – helping you! Check out my online calendar via Full Slate.

Credit/Debit Cards

Let’s face it, we’re in the 21st century and many of us no longer use cash or checks. While I prefer these methods of payment, I realize it’s not as convenient for many people. So I’ve been using Flint Mobile to accept credit/debit cards, and it’s been a huge success! Flint Mobile is a competitor to giants like Square, PayPal, and Intuit, and is picking up steam. I chose Flint because of its customizability, security, fast processing, and superb customer service. I do charge a small $1 transaction fee each time you make a credit/debit card payment, but most people have decided it’s worth the convenience as many therapists only accept cash and checks! One of the coolest features of a payment processor like Flint is that with every transaction, you can choose to have an email/text message receipt sent to you immediately. This is helpful for record-keeping and tax purposes!

I’ve also listed my business in the Square Directory. Clients who use the Square Wallet app on their smartphone can now easily and quickly pay for sessions without even having their wallet on hand (click here to learn more)! With only your phone and the Square Wallet app, you can find my business and submit payment within seconds. These payments are still subject to the $1 transaction fee, are processed through Square (rather than Flint), and still have the ability to receive an email/text message receipt. Check it out!

Other Features

While I’m on the subject, I decided to add a reminder that my office also provides free WiFi while you’re waiting for your appointment, as well as as plenty of free street parking right outside, and and convenient access to Hwy 217, Hwy 26, Ava Roasteria Coffee Shop, banking, food, and so much more!

I believe that marriages can be salvaged from affairs, but it takes a lot of honesty and work to get there. If you’re going to work like that, you’re better off investing in the marriage without the affair; it will be easier and incomparably less painful. I can help with either situation, but typically find a much higher success rate when there is no extramarital affair present!

A Roomful of Yearning and Regret, 12/9/2010, by Wendy Plump

Excerpt:

“What you don’t know, or perhaps what you don’t allow yourself to think about, is that your life will become an unbearable mix of yearning and regret because of it. It will be difficult if not impossible to be in any one place with contentment.

This is no way for an adult to live. When you’re with your lover, you’ll be working on your alibi and feeling loathsome. When you’re with your spouse, you’ll be dying to return to your love nest. When you are at home, everything in your life will look just a little bit out of register — the furniture, the food in your refrigerator, your children, your dog — because you’ve detached yourself from your normal point of reference, and it now belongs to a reality you’ve abandoned.”

1. Contract year plan. This means your plan begins and ends on a date you initiated coverage, and can be anywhere throughout the year. For example, it could begin October 1st and end September 30th of the following year.
2. Calendar year plan. These plans always begin on January 1st and end on December 31st.

Why does this matter? It matters because as January 1st approaches, if you’re on a calendar year insurance plan, your deductible will reset (go back to zero) and you will have to pay out of pocket for each session to reach your deductible until insurance will begin kicking in coverage for sessions (including reducing your out of pocket expense down to the copay or coinsurance).

The best way for you to find out what kind of plan you have is to call your insurance company (see the phone number on the back of your card), ask them when your insurance plan renews (contract or calendar year), and how much your deductible is – both for in-network and out-of-network providers (if you don’t already know). It’s good information to know for budget purposes. You may have to reach your deductible early, but then it’s good for the remaining length of your plan, often including medical visits!

What’s It For?

Self-talk is incredibly valuable and an important part of our well-being. We use it to think through things, to interpret experiences, to understand, and to accept. For example, I might not know how I feel about looking for a different job. I can think to myself about the potential benefits and drawbacks from my perspective and come to a conclusion about it. I can also interpret a recent job interview by telling myself it didn’t go well for this or that reason, that the interviewers seemed to like me, or that I have no idea if I’ll get the job because I don’t know if I’m qualified for it.

We also use self-talk to make statements about ourselves or to tell ourselves what to do. For example, after an argument with my wife I might say to myself, “That was a stupid thing to say! Why can’t I ever do it the right way?” Implicit in that statement is a host of information about what I think and how I feel about myself.

How Does It Help?

Being aware of our own self-talk is a good thing because we can begin to notice patterns or identify negativity. Maybe there is a pattern of judgment towards other people, blame for our live experiences, or negativity towards myself implicit in my self-talk. Seeing these things is the first step toward being able to change it.

It’s also helpful because it can guide us to where some root problems may be hiding. If you look carefully at the second set of statements above (the context of an argument with my wife), you can see heavy judgment and criticism toward the self. You might even see a standard or expectation that I hold for myself that might be unrealistic. These dynamics, when present, can create problems for us because of how they make us feel.

Based on what I’m thinking or saying to myself in this example, I might be feeling inferior, ashamed, unworthy, fearful, or insecure. With these feelings, you can see a connection with how I might be acting – withdrawing, arguing, isolating, sulking, or working harder to prove myself. Different feelings produce different action results, but they’re all information we can use to learn about and understand ourselves better.

Can I Control It?

Many people don’t realize this connection between thoughts and feelings, and as a result are surprised when I tell them they can control both. If you learn to pay close attention to your thoughts, you can begin to take control of them and guide them to where you want them to be. You can also better influence your emotions, reducing feelings such as anxiety, depression, fear, insecurity, and helplessness. You might still have some unwanted emotional reactions, but with practice you can slow those down and put them under your control so that you make the decisions about what and how to feel about things in life.

Well-rounded, healthy living involves being able to effectively manage your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Taking ownership of these can significantly improve your ability to function in difficult life situations and increase in self-confidence and self-esteem. These can also help improve your relationships with others, and give you greater happiness in general!

Running Away

Usually people don’t think of running away from something as a good thing. When it comes to change, however, I think it’s absolutely critical. Why? Because whatever it is you want to escape tells you all kinds of information about what you don’t want, where you don’t want to go or end up, and how you don’t want to feel. This is valuable insight! Knowing what you don’t want can be just as important as knowing what it is you do want.

However, it’s not enough all by itself. If you spend your life running away from something, you’re more likely to end up exactly where you don’t want to be. The reason is simple: without a destination, you run around in circles. I’ve experienced countless situations where someone wanted desperately to avoid turning out like their parents, only to find themselves years later exactly like them. It’s a hard reality pill to swallow, but if you can take an honest look at yourself, you may find out just what you didn’t want to see but needed to know.

Running Towards

The other side of the equation involves running towards something. In order to actually get somewhere – and not just anywhere, but somewhere productive and beneficial – you must have a destination. This can sometimes be hard work, simply identifying or describing what your “there” looks like. Maybe you’re not even sure if “there” even exists. In order for change to really work, though, you must find out. Talk to people, do some research, and find out what it is that you want so that you have a clearer idea of what you’re going to be working towards and accomplishing.

Again, just because you’re running towards something doesn’t mean your arrival will be pleasant. Without the other side, running away from something, you may arrive at your destination only to find out that all those negative traits you didn’t want followed you there!

How is anxiety only a symptom? Well, because it rests on some other reason(s) to be worried or concerned. Someone who has never had a reason to worry may not struggle with anxiety; someone who has lost a job and become homeless, however, has very good reasons to worry.

As a symptom, anxiety is future-focused yet often rooted in the past. It projects past hurts or fears out onto the future, making it hard to live in the present. Anxiety is also based on false beliefs and negative thinking patterns. Because something terrible happened in the past, anxiety says it will happen again. The problem with this is that while there may be a small possibility or recurring hurt, it is almost never true. In fact, the anxious belief system and thought pattern often is a contributing factor to exposure to repeated traumas.

So what should we do about it then?

Two Issues

I believe that there are two things going on with anxiety. First, there are the anxious symptoms. Examples include nervousness, difficulty/shallow breathing, tiredness and fatigue, muscle aches, headaches, racing thoughts, sweating, and difficulty sleeping. These are all physiological expressions of anxiety that tell us we are anxious about something. These symptoms are usually present-focused in the sense that we experience them actively, currently – right now.

Secondly, there are the underlying reasons or causes for the anxiety. These can vary, but common examples include childhood traumas (abuse, violence, injuries), parental abandonment, betrayals (such as affairs), car accidents, natural disasters, witnessed or experienced violence, and loss of loved ones. These real life experiences can be singular (one occurrence) or repeated, and can have significant effects on our ability to trust, be vulnerable, feel safe, love, and be loved. Issues like these are typically past-focused in that they happened somewhere in our histories, and we attempt to avoid them (in our thoughts and also in real life), which often produces the symptoms.

Two Treatments

Since there are two issues going on at the same time, it is important to address both. However, I believe it can be very difficult to deal with the root issues without first learning how to cope with symptoms. Here is a simple example to make the point: imagine being heartbroken that Brandon Roy was forced to retire from basketball and the Portland Trailblazers because of an injury. Since he was the “go-to guy” at the end of close games and would often make the winning basket, you worry about who will fill that role now that he’s gone. In looking at the schedule, you can see that the Blazers are playing the best team in the league in two weeks, and that it will be a pivotal game for making the playoffs. You can’t bring yourself to go to that game because of your anxiety, despite being a huge fan. If you could learn to deal with the anxiety, you would be able to go and enjoy the game, regardless of the outcome. However, if we attempted to learn how to cope while at the game, you would probably have a hard time doing so because the action would be taking place right in front of you!

Both parts of the puzzle are important, but addressing the root issue almost always precludes coping with the symptoms. Thankfully, there is a great deal of research on treatment for anxiety symptoms that shows it can be very effective in reducing or removing them altogether.

My Work

I utilize the most effective and common form of treatment for anxiety – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Since anxiety symptoms are mostly about physiological reactions to cognitive processes (our thinking producing certain bodily sensations), CBT focuses on examining and changing those cognitive processes to be more positive and realistic. When we look at thought patterns, we often see negativity that produces insecurity and anxiousness, which then seeps out of the body. Learning to become aware of our thoughts and thinking patterns can be challenging because it’s mostly automatic – it happens without our even paying any attention to it. But this is precisely the problem! Once we become aware of our negativity, we can focus in and change it; we can take ownership of what and how we think to create new patterns of thought. Of course, just as it took time for our current patterns to develop and become habit, so will it take some time and practice to implement new patterns to replace those old ones.

I try to focus on two parallel planes in counseling: the theory and application. Theory looks at understanding what’s taking place in our heads, while application seeks to actively make changes in real life. I believe it’s important to be informed about what’s going on so that when we try to make changes, we know what’s going on enough to be effective.

The good news about anxiety is that it is treatable! Don’t be too frustrated and give up on yourself – you may just be fed up with it enough to have strong motivation to change with the right help. Contact me today if you’d like to talk more about how I can help you with your anxiety, or to schedule an appointment to get started working on it. I’m confident that if you’re willing to face it, we can overcome those issues together.

What is Self-Care

If you look at the word “self-care”, you see two connected but separate words. “Care” means taking care of or nurturing. We often use the word when discussing children: “childcare” or “caring for my kids” are common phrases. The other word defines who is being cared for – in this case, it is self. So, put together, we have a phrase that means “taking care of or nurturing yourself.” Hopefully you can begin to see the true meaning and how different this is from selfishness.

What is Selfishness

Nonetheless, I would still like to further distinguish self-care from selfishness. Someone who takes care of himself/herself is said to be doing self-care; someone who lives and pursues taking care of self above all else can be considered selfish. One designates an activity or behavior while the other describes a lifestyle. Self-care is more of a habit; selfishness is an attitude which results in similar behaviors.

Why Self-Care

Now that we’ve differentiated self-care from selfishness, let’s talk for a moment about why it is important to take care of yourself. We can start by identifying consequences of not taking good care of yourself, such as tiredness or moodiness, fatigue, lack of motivation, medical issues, issues with your weight (overweight or fluctuating weight), stress/anxiety, depression, relational withdrawal or isolation, feeling unsatisfied or discontent, anger, and addictions. All of these problems can arise simply from not taking good care of yourself.

The reason why it’s important to self-care is that you have needs – we all have them, actually. They are important needs, not just wishes or desires. Contrary to most advertisements, a new car or the latest fashionable shoes are not needs. Needs are our most basic human functions that require regular fulfillment. When they are not met, we turn somewhere else to find satisfaction for them – often to unhealthy and destructive replacements. So taking care of yourself is a way of staying or getting healthy, maintaining balance and equilibrium, and avoiding unhealthy behaviors or habits.

How To Self-Care

The main principle underlying self-care is priority – you must prioritize caring for yourself above other demands so that you can properly fulfill those other demands. Remember, we’re not saying “only think about yourself” and “forget everyone else” – that would be selfishness. Instead, the message here is that in order to have healthy relationships and be effective in your life, you must first be a healthy individual (self).

With that in mind, here are some basic areas of life that are often prioritized as less important, thus becoming neglected or at the very least devalued.

• Sleep
• Diet/eating
• Exercise
• Social/relational
• Relaxation/fun
• Personal growth and development
• Spiritual formation/growth
• Family

Who Self-Care Is For

The obvious first answer is that self-care is for me. But again, if that were the only person that benefited, we would be talking about selfishness. I think most of us want to be in relationships and we enjoy others. Many of us get a great deal of joy out of helping others. So the second answer (maybe even the real answer) is that self-care is for others. In order for us to be able to give our best to others, we must first be healthy and whole ourselves. For our employers, friends and family, spouses, and children to reap our greatest strengths, talents, gifts, and abilities, we must first be taken care of. Then and only then can we effectively give to others without becoming a drain on them.

This does not mean that we cannot have relational needs for support or ask others for help, but it does mean that we approach those requests from a place of stability rather than instability and neediness. There’s a difference between being in need and being needy; self-care can help us stay on the far side of being needy.

Finally, it’s important to realize that nobody else can self-care for you. Even that sentence sounds odd and doesn’t really make sense! Self-care is self-referential; it refers to you taking care of you. If you do not take care of you in the most basic ways listed above, nobody else will. Please don’t interpret more than this; I am not saying that you cannot trust others or that you have to be your own independent hero (picture any modern action film with a Hollywood movie star). All this means is that you are ultimately responsible for taking good care of your mind, your body, and your soul. When you step up and take hold of this responsibility, you will find a greater sense of satisfaction in life, increased self-esteem, improved relationships, better boundaries (including time management), and greater skill at overcoming not just life’s demands but even life’s struggles.

Conclusion

I hope this convinces you that self-care is an important part of life as a healthy individual and for healthy relationships, and that it is not selfish to do. I also hope that I have inspired you to take a look at your life and consider making some positive changes that will free you from frustrations, annoyances, and drains that have been keeping you from achieving the life and goals you have been putting off. Please consider making a plan and taking steps to toward better self-care as soon as possible. I would be happy to help you do this. If you would like to request an appointment, please send me an email and we can get started on changing your life together!

In this article, I will address a healthier approach to dealing with suffering. Please note, however, that this is an extremely sensitive issue and I will do my best to walk the fine line of compassion and respect for your hurting, while still guiding you gently into a place of healing and comfort.

One of the main reasons people often cope using avoidance tactics is because the alternative seems too painful. Acceptance of a tragedy, loss, disease, or relationship means that you must let go of that which you were holding onto and which meant so much to you – health, stability, “normal” life, or your loved one. Acceptance, at first glance, also seems to mean letting go of hope and trading it in for despair and grief. Would anyone willingly make this trade? Of course not, which is why the pain and suffering of the events are so difficult. You didn’t choose them; or if you did, you regret them deeply. Either way, the resulting emotions may seem unbearable.

The delicate answer, however, is that life has already answered. The unwanted has already happened. All that’s left to do is accept it and begin to make sense of it without losing your hope, sanity, and happiness.

This is where irony enters. The only way to adequately deal with pain and suffering is to go through it. Let me illustrate this through an example. Have you ever been at home at night, tucked away in your bedroom, when you heard a strange noise somewhere else in your house? Your heart starts pounding, your mind races, and your fears take over. You wonder if someone is breaking in. It’s late and you want to go to sleep, but there’s no way you’ll ever fall asleep without knowing what that noise was. So, you decide to grab a baseball bat and explore your dark house. It’s a scary process, but once you realize it was just a window you’d left open, your fears subside. You secure all the other doors and windows, and are able to go back to your room and fall asleep.

Can you see the irony here? You are deathly afraid of whatever caused the noise, but realized that the only way to find peace is to face your fears. The same is true for your pain. It’s scary and painful at times, but when you face it, your initial shock reduces and you begin to deal with your hurt. There are times when it seems overwhelming and there are times when things seem to get better. However, learning the right tools and enlisting the proper support can greatly strengthen you in the process.

If you’re tired of being tired, in too much pain to continue hurting, and feeling isolated because of your isolation, then consider taking that first step. Seek help, whether it’s from a friend/family member or a professional. Time does not heal all wounds – careful, conscious coping does; time simply removes you from the immediacy of the pain (which will resurface later on in your life, usually when you least want and expect it to). Consider making an appointment with me and let me walk with you through your pain and suffering, guiding you towards hope and healing.

The problem, however, is that facing pain and suffering can impair our ability to function in life. To actually deal with it means we may become impaired for a time. This realization, too, can be overwhelming and intimidating. As a result, we frequently opt for one of the following ways of coping:

• Denial. “It really doesn’t bother me. I thought I would be more affected than I am, but I’m really not.”
• Minimizing. “Yeah, it’s pretty sad, but in the grand scheme of things it could have been worse.”
• Rationalizing or Justifying. “He was in pain all the time anyway, so it’s a good thing now. I’m glad the waiting and uncertainty is over.”
• Avoiding. “Things are okay. But how are you? What’s been going on with you?”

While these are only examples of things we might say to ourselves and others, they may look differently to different people and they are by no means the only ways people cope. But they are common. What ends up happening, though, is that by coping in these ways, we find ways to function in life at the expense of our emotional health. Rather than grappling with the magnitude of the suffering and wrestling with the diversity of emotions, we are quick to move on and get things back to “normal” (whatever that was).

The product of this can be very destructive. The memories and feelings can seep into other areas of our lives without our permission and outside of our awareness such as through anger, nightmares, depression, isolation, difficulty focusing, headaches, health problems, and the development of many other destructive patterns (such as addictions) just cope with these issues.

Furthermore, these ways of coping tend to destroy relationships. By not dealing with our feelings, we make it difficult (if not impossible) for others to support us, ask question, and help us through it. We also make it difficult for others who are suffering with us to feel safe sharing their feelings and experiences. The result is isolation, both emotionally and relationally, which can produce greater problems to the extent that relationships can be completely severed.

The symptoms listed above are very real and legitimate, necessitating our attention. Though they are not the underlying cause and addressing them will not get to the root of the problem, it’s still important to learn how to manage those symptoms; this is only a means to an end – not the end itself.

Stay tuned for part 2 of this series where I will address ways of dealing with these symptoms…

For many people, a new year brings resolutions to improve different aspects of their lives. Striving to maintain better physical or financial health is a worthy goal, but what about improving the health of relationships? National Marriage Week originated in the U.K. in 1996 and has since spread to several countries, including the United States. National Marriage Week USA runs every year from February 7-14. It is a creative campaign that coincides with the Valentine’s Day holiday in an attempt to deepen and extend this day in the minds of couples.

New Year’s resolutions and Valentine’s Day romance provide great motivation for couples to take a closer look at their relationship, learn new skills, and develop them into long-term habits. Just like getting more exercise benefits physical well-being, investing energy into enriching and maintaining relationships benefits relationship well-being.

Of course, resolutions will bring about positive change only if intentions are put into action. The Couple Checkup is an easy way to take that first step! In conjunction with National Marriage Week, the Couple Checkup will be offered at a discounted price of $19.95 per couple (regularly $29.95). Couples can go to www.CoupleCheckUp.com anytime during the week of February 7-14 to set up an account, and the discount will be automatically applied.* By taking the online Couple Checkup assessment, couples will discover their strength and growth areas, gain insight, generate discussion, and work through exercises to develop healthy, new relationship habits.

To download a flyer to learn more about this promotion, click here.