What is Self-Care

If you look at the word “self-care”, you see two connected but separate words. “Care” means taking care of or nurturing. We often use the word when discussing children: “childcare” or “caring for my kids” are common phrases. The other word defines who is being cared for – in this case, it is self. So, put together, we have a phrase that means “taking care of or nurturing yourself.” Hopefully you can begin to see the true meaning and how different this is from selfishness.

What is Selfishness

Nonetheless, I would still like to further distinguish self-care from selfishness. Someone who takes care of himself/herself is said to be doing self-care; someone who lives and pursues taking care of self above all else can be considered selfish. One designates an activity or behavior while the other describes a lifestyle. Self-care is more of a habit; selfishness is an attitude which results in similar behaviors.

Why Self-Care

Now that we’ve differentiated self-care from selfishness, let’s talk for a moment about why it is important to take care of yourself. We can start by identifying consequences of not taking good care of yourself, such as tiredness or moodiness, fatigue, lack of motivation, medical issues, issues with your weight (overweight or fluctuating weight), stress/anxiety, depression, relational withdrawal or isolation, feeling unsatisfied or discontent, anger, and addictions. All of these problems can arise simply from not taking good care of yourself.

The reason why it’s important to self-care is that you have needs – we all have them, actually. They are important needs, not just wishes or desires. Contrary to most advertisements, a new car or the latest fashionable shoes are not needs. Needs are our most basic human functions that require regular fulfillment. When they are not met, we turn somewhere else to find satisfaction for them – often to unhealthy and destructive replacements. So taking care of yourself is a way of staying or getting healthy, maintaining balance and equilibrium, and avoiding unhealthy behaviors or habits.

How To Self-Care

The main principle underlying self-care is priority – you must prioritize caring for yourself above other demands so that you can properly fulfill those other demands. Remember, we’re not saying “only think about yourself” and “forget everyone else” – that would be selfishness. Instead, the message here is that in order to have healthy relationships and be effective in your life, you must first be a healthy individual (self).

With that in mind, here are some basic areas of life that are often prioritized as less important, thus becoming neglected or at the very least devalued.

• Sleep
• Diet/eating
• Exercise
• Social/relational
• Relaxation/fun
• Personal growth and development
• Spiritual formation/growth
• Family

Who Self-Care Is For

The obvious first answer is that self-care is for me. But again, if that were the only person that benefited, we would be talking about selfishness. I think most of us want to be in relationships and we enjoy others. Many of us get a great deal of joy out of helping others. So the second answer (maybe even the real answer) is that self-care is for others. In order for us to be able to give our best to others, we must first be healthy and whole ourselves. For our employers, friends and family, spouses, and children to reap our greatest strengths, talents, gifts, and abilities, we must first be taken care of. Then and only then can we effectively give to others without becoming a drain on them.

This does not mean that we cannot have relational needs for support or ask others for help, but it does mean that we approach those requests from a place of stability rather than instability and neediness. There’s a difference between being in need and being needy; self-care can help us stay on the far side of being needy.

Finally, it’s important to realize that nobody else can self-care for you. Even that sentence sounds odd and doesn’t really make sense! Self-care is self-referential; it refers to you taking care of you. If you do not take care of you in the most basic ways listed above, nobody else will. Please don’t interpret more than this; I am not saying that you cannot trust others or that you have to be your own independent hero (picture any modern action film with a Hollywood movie star). All this means is that you are ultimately responsible for taking good care of your mind, your body, and your soul. When you step up and take hold of this responsibility, you will find a greater sense of satisfaction in life, increased self-esteem, improved relationships, better boundaries (including time management), and greater skill at overcoming not just life’s demands but even life’s struggles.

Conclusion

I hope this convinces you that self-care is an important part of life as a healthy individual and for healthy relationships, and that it is not selfish to do. I also hope that I have inspired you to take a look at your life and consider making some positive changes that will free you from frustrations, annoyances, and drains that have been keeping you from achieving the life and goals you have been putting off. Please consider making a plan and taking steps to toward better self-care as soon as possible. I would be happy to help you do this. If you would like to request an appointment, please send me an email and we can get started on changing your life together!

In this article, I will address a healthier approach to dealing with suffering. Please note, however, that this is an extremely sensitive issue and I will do my best to walk the fine line of compassion and respect for your hurting, while still guiding you gently into a place of healing and comfort.

One of the main reasons people often cope using avoidance tactics is because the alternative seems too painful. Acceptance of a tragedy, loss, disease, or relationship means that you must let go of that which you were holding onto and which meant so much to you – health, stability, “normal” life, or your loved one. Acceptance, at first glance, also seems to mean letting go of hope and trading it in for despair and grief. Would anyone willingly make this trade? Of course not, which is why the pain and suffering of the events are so difficult. You didn’t choose them; or if you did, you regret them deeply. Either way, the resulting emotions may seem unbearable.

The delicate answer, however, is that life has already answered. The unwanted has already happened. All that’s left to do is accept it and begin to make sense of it without losing your hope, sanity, and happiness.

This is where irony enters. The only way to adequately deal with pain and suffering is to go through it. Let me illustrate this through an example. Have you ever been at home at night, tucked away in your bedroom, when you heard a strange noise somewhere else in your house? Your heart starts pounding, your mind races, and your fears take over. You wonder if someone is breaking in. It’s late and you want to go to sleep, but there’s no way you’ll ever fall asleep without knowing what that noise was. So, you decide to grab a baseball bat and explore your dark house. It’s a scary process, but once you realize it was just a window you’d left open, your fears subside. You secure all the other doors and windows, and are able to go back to your room and fall asleep.

Can you see the irony here? You are deathly afraid of whatever caused the noise, but realized that the only way to find peace is to face your fears. The same is true for your pain. It’s scary and painful at times, but when you face it, your initial shock reduces and you begin to deal with your hurt. There are times when it seems overwhelming and there are times when things seem to get better. However, learning the right tools and enlisting the proper support can greatly strengthen you in the process.

If you’re tired of being tired, in too much pain to continue hurting, and feeling isolated because of your isolation, then consider taking that first step. Seek help, whether it’s from a friend/family member or a professional. Time does not heal all wounds – careful, conscious coping does; time simply removes you from the immediacy of the pain (which will resurface later on in your life, usually when you least want and expect it to). Consider making an appointment with me and let me walk with you through your pain and suffering, guiding you towards hope and healing.

The problem, however, is that facing pain and suffering can impair our ability to function in life. To actually deal with it means we may become impaired for a time. This realization, too, can be overwhelming and intimidating. As a result, we frequently opt for one of the following ways of coping:

• Denial. “It really doesn’t bother me. I thought I would be more affected than I am, but I’m really not.”
• Minimizing. “Yeah, it’s pretty sad, but in the grand scheme of things it could have been worse.”
• Rationalizing or Justifying. “He was in pain all the time anyway, so it’s a good thing now. I’m glad the waiting and uncertainty is over.”
• Avoiding. “Things are okay. But how are you? What’s been going on with you?”

While these are only examples of things we might say to ourselves and others, they may look differently to different people and they are by no means the only ways people cope. But they are common. What ends up happening, though, is that by coping in these ways, we find ways to function in life at the expense of our emotional health. Rather than grappling with the magnitude of the suffering and wrestling with the diversity of emotions, we are quick to move on and get things back to “normal” (whatever that was).

The product of this can be very destructive. The memories and feelings can seep into other areas of our lives without our permission and outside of our awareness such as through anger, nightmares, depression, isolation, difficulty focusing, headaches, health problems, and the development of many other destructive patterns (such as addictions) just cope with these issues.

Furthermore, these ways of coping tend to destroy relationships. By not dealing with our feelings, we make it difficult (if not impossible) for others to support us, ask question, and help us through it. We also make it difficult for others who are suffering with us to feel safe sharing their feelings and experiences. The result is isolation, both emotionally and relationally, which can produce greater problems to the extent that relationships can be completely severed.

The symptoms listed above are very real and legitimate, necessitating our attention. Though they are not the underlying cause and addressing them will not get to the root of the problem, it’s still important to learn how to manage those symptoms; this is only a means to an end – not the end itself.

Stay tuned for part 2 of this series where I will address ways of dealing with these symptoms…

For many people, a new year brings resolutions to improve different aspects of their lives. Striving to maintain better physical or financial health is a worthy goal, but what about improving the health of relationships? National Marriage Week originated in the U.K. in 1996 and has since spread to several countries, including the United States. National Marriage Week USA runs every year from February 7-14. It is a creative campaign that coincides with the Valentine’s Day holiday in an attempt to deepen and extend this day in the minds of couples.

New Year’s resolutions and Valentine’s Day romance provide great motivation for couples to take a closer look at their relationship, learn new skills, and develop them into long-term habits. Just like getting more exercise benefits physical well-being, investing energy into enriching and maintaining relationships benefits relationship well-being.

Of course, resolutions will bring about positive change only if intentions are put into action. The Couple Checkup is an easy way to take that first step! In conjunction with National Marriage Week, the Couple Checkup will be offered at a discounted price of $19.95 per couple (regularly $29.95). Couples can go to www.CoupleCheckUp.com anytime during the week of February 7-14 to set up an account, and the discount will be automatically applied.* By taking the online Couple Checkup assessment, couples will discover their strength and growth areas, gain insight, generate discussion, and work through exercises to develop healthy, new relationship habits.

To download a flyer to learn more about this promotion, click here.

1. Build on strengths. Premarital counseling is a great opportunity for couples to identify the strengths of their relationship and build on them. Having a healthy relationship is a good thing, but it’s even better when each person knows that they contribute to making it healthy. During premarital counseling, we often look at these together – in theory and in practice (in session) – so couples have a good understanding of the tools they already use.
2. Improve growth areas. Many times, couples have issues they are either not aware of or they don’t believe are significant. As a trained professional, I can help couples identify their problem areas and help them begin to improve them to increase their chances of having a successful marriage together. Every couple has their own unique struggles, so the premarital counseling process helps bring yours into the light so it’s not a surprise later on and so that you’ve already got some good experience tackling those issues in effective ways.
3. Learn about yourself. Marriage is one of the most wonderful experiences, and also the most challenging. It forces you to see yourself from someone else’s perspective, and see how you impact your partner. This can be very difficult, but an integral part of molding yourself to becoming a better partner to your spouse because the only person you have the power to change is yourself! If each person is working to make himself/herself a better partner, you can be sure your relationship is healthy and growing in the right direction.
4. Make an investment. Premarital counseling is an investment into your future. Yes, it does cost time and money but it can save tens of thousands of dollars, heartache, and brokenness from your future. The more you work at building a marriage relationship that is strong and healthy now, the less likely you are to be at risk of divorce later on. Of course, this doesn’t guarantee it will be easy. In fact, I can almost guarantee it will be hard. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be incredibly rewarding at the same time.

So now that you have a better idea of “why premarital counseling?”, let’s look at what it typically entails. Most premarital counseling lasts 8-12 sessions, depending on the couple and their situation. It’s ideal to begin the process early on in the engagement because it allows plenty of time to address any issues that may arise so you have the most confidence on your wedding day. It’s also helpful to start early because as that Big Day draws near, details of the event become overwhelming and there’s usually not as much time or energy to devote to premarital counseling.

In terms of frequency of meetings, couples can choose this based on their preferences. I’ve seen engaged couples weekly, bi-monthly, and once a month for premarital counseling. Each one can be productive depending on the couple, their issues, and our schedules.

I like to use at least one assessment tool to help speed the process along, and to give some specific direction of what to focus on. The 16PF and Prepare-Enrich are the tools I most commonly use (you can read about them here). These cost extra, but save lots of time, effort, and money in the long run because they point out your individual and couple strengths, growth areas, and potential issues that can be immediately addressed in counseling.

I hope this information has been helpful to you as you consider premarital counseling. If you have specific questions or concerns, use the Comments box below (to post publicly) or feel free to send me an email (privately) using the form on my Contact page – I would be happy to answer your questions as best as I can!

Specific. Goals that are too general or vague cannot be tracked, broken down into smaller, more achievable ones. Specific goals, however, identify exactly what it is you’re looking to accomplish so that you can be clear what is required of you and when you have succeeded.

Measurable. One aspect of a specific goal is that it’s measurable, so that you can track progress. A goal like “become a better person” may be a good goal but how can you measurable personal goodness? You need to define the goal into measurable attributes, such as become more honest with friends, responsible with finances, and more patient with coworkers.

Attainable. This is a big one. Many people create lofty goals that are simply not attainable. They’re perfectly good and measurable… if you’re a superstar athlete or have all the time and resources in the world. Remember, in order for you to be successful you must have the ability to achieve your goals, and those goals must continually motivate you to achieve them.

Realistic. It’s important to set high goals that will stretch you, but also ones that you can realistically achieve based on your willingness and ability. Your goals must be relevant and appropriate to YOU, not just a good goal to have in general (what may be good in general may not be right for you, specifically).

Time-Oriented. If every aspect of your resolution is reasonable but you don’t have any timeframe for it, you may never have the motivation to work towards it or be able to measure it. Applying a time period to goals should increase motivation because as the deadline approaches, motivation should improve. Timeframes also create parameters that allow measurement. If you want to lose 50 pounds in 2012, you now know that you must lose roughly a pound per week consistently throughout the year to achieve it.

If you can remember SMART, you can set appropriate goals to help you stay on track towards success this year. Also, remember that it’s okay to revise goals rather than simply give up on them. You might realize part way through that a goal is too difficult or that you don’t have enough time to complete it. Consider re-evaluating the goal and revising it so that you can achieve it, but be willing to learn from the experience so that you can improve in your goal-setting skills.

What Are They

Most people think boundaries are as simple as saying “no” to someone else. While they may include this, they are much broader and more complex. Fundamentally, boundaries define who is responsible for what; they determine what is and is not my responsibility. My own thoughts, feelings, choices, actions, attitudes, and consequences are all things that I can and should take control over. I should never attempt to control anyone else because in doing so, I would be violating their boundaries. In other words, when I take ownership for what is not mine, I take that responsibility away from its rightful owner. Results can be devastating, including abuse and control, dependence, irresponsibility, and detachment from reality.

Examples of Boundaries

In their book Boundaries, Drs. Cloud and Townsend give these examples of what boundaries may look like:

• Words: saying “no” to someone, agreeing to something, and expressing my feelings
• Physical Distance: choosing to be geographically apart from someone
• Emotional Distance: creating emotional space from another person for my own safety
• Time: taking time away from something (such as media consumption) to regain control over it
• Other People: seeking and utilizing people as resources to support my growth
• Consequences: setting limits with someone or something as a result of a negative action

Why Boundaries are Important

Without boundaries, we would have no safety and no freedom. Boundaries provide limits that define what is and is not acceptable, which creates emotional and physical safety. For example, my office cubicle determines where my desk space begins and my neighboring co-worker’s ends. They tell me what I have the freedom to do and not do. Boundaries also assign responsibility for behaviors – who is responsible for what, including cause and effect. Consequences may be unwanted and uncomfortable, for example, but they are a part of boundaries because they are the result of actions. If I take ownership of a choice and action, I must also be willing to face the consequences. Finally, boundaries foster responsibility, emotional growth, and maturity. When someone learns to become fully responsible for their actions, including impacts on others, they begin to develop the ability to deal with their emotions and mature as a healthy individual.

The Bottom Line

What it boils down to is this: boundaries are an essential part of being a healthy, responsible, mature individual that is able to then bring that wholeness into relationships in healthy ways. Learning how to become more responsible for yourself is a challenging but rewarding task that will produce greater self-awareness, self-control, self-esteem, and ability to empathize genuinely with others. For more information on boundaries, check out the books by Cloud and Townsend on my Recommended Reading resource page.

• To let you know about new features to my website;
• To  alert you to important changes with my practice (such as scheduling);
• To write some helpful ideas, tips, insights, and information that you might find helpful for dealing with your issues.

I chose to redesign the website to make it simpler, cleaner, and easier to navigate. I hope you find that this is the case, or if this is your first time here, that you are able to find what you’re looking for without any troubles. Please send me any feedback (positive or negative) or issues you may experience here, and thank you so much for visiting!

-Aaron

I see them as the key to happiness and health in life. In order for us to have good relationships, we also need to be healthy as individuals. My desire is to help you improve all of these so that you can experience life to the fullest.I work with: individuals, couples, and families. I believe that people are capable of overcoming obstacles in their lives, but sometimes they need help with finding the right tools. Talking with someone who has an objective opinion can be just what you need to discover the right tool you need to use in your life to get back on track.

My goal for clients is to help them become more effective, insightful, self-confident, and successful at overcoming future hurdles in their own lives and in their relationships. For me, this means focusing on improving the present and future, rather than hashing over the past at length.

I try to be as specific and practical as possible so that no time is wasted in our sessions together. I want to help you start seeing results and feeling better immediately! To get to know me better, check out my “Professional Background” page and read some of the “Counseling Articles” I’ve written.