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 Fight a Good Fight |
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So you're having a little trouble fighting fair... welcome to the club! This is one of the biggest concerns and most common problems in relationships, but is also one of the easiest to improve with some practical tools.
1. Establish an attitude of openness.
If you think you are always right or have a need to always be right, you're in trouble! Having this kind of attitude is likely to inhibit your ability to listen, respond appropriately, and work as a team. On the other hand, if you approach conflicts with the mindset of gathering information to support a hypothesis and as one part of a two-person team, you will be sure to improve your arguments.
2. Be quick to listen and slow to speak.
Yeah, easier said than done, I know! Especially for me, because I'm a "think out loud" kind of person. One major problem that affects most people in conflicts is the emotional investment they have in their position. As such, they want to prove their rightness to the other person, and are usually unwilling to hear anything to the contrary. Unfortunately, this leads to defensiveness, more arguing, and less efficiency in resolving the conflict. The more you listen, the more you understand, and the more prepared you will be to respond effectively.
3. Ask questions.
Asking questions helps you understand the other person's perspective better, which allows you to formulate a more appropriate compromise that will meet both your needs and the other person's needs. The important thing to remember here is to be genuine. If you do this robotically, you will probably sound like you're patrionizing the other person! And that's not good.
4. Process now, solve later.
Put off resolving the problem until you have adequately identified and addressed both parties' thoughts and feelings on the issue. This involves validating each other's emotional experiences, acknowledging your points of agreement, and accepting responsibility for how you have affected one another. Doing this tells the other person that you care about them and appreciate them as a person, even if you disagree with what they have to say.
5. Lighten up!
Sometimes making a little joke or poking fun at the seriousness of the discussion (when appropriate, of course) can ease some tension and make it easier for both parties to come to a resolution. This can be especially effective when you make fun of yourself or allow yourself to be made fun of. Just be careful when considering poking fun at the other person... it may come across as passive-aggressive or as a direct insult during a serious discussion!
These tips, when practiced regularly, should help improve your fights and make them more effective. There are, of course, many more skills and things to consider when attempting to resolve conflict but we'll save those for some other articles. =)
by Aaron K. Potratz, MA
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